balancingminds: (stuck)
Charles hasn't been ready to return to the CIA and the work at Cerebro yet, he knows he needs to take the time to process what happened in October. The only problem is that its hard to begin, he knows all the advice he would give to someone else in his position but that's not enough.

He's mainly been avoiding the main Bar as the press of minds verges on too much and whenever he's around them, he remembers feeling out of control and the fear of hurting people.

Instead he stays in his room reading or something walks outside to try and meditate and try to find the stillness of the world.

He never goes too far without letting Raven know where she can find him as he doesn't want to worry her again. All he wants is to find his center once more.
balancingminds: (don't want to think)
The shadows keep moving, he has on all the lights but he can't make the shadows stop. He looks up, there was a ship and a sky, but they're gone. Is he truly awake? Lights don't mean anything, he can create lights in a dream, he looks down to find he's not dressed. Perhaps he was asleep then, that would be good. He needs to be able to sleep and then wake up once more.

Carefully he dresses, focusing on the texture of each piece of clothing so he doesn't hear all the thoughts and feel all the emotions. They're very close, people are scared and angry and something's hungry. His shirt is starched, the cloth smooth between his fingers as he buttons all but the last two buttons at his collar. Then the cuff links with the Xavier crest, he presses his finger against one of the Xs until the pressure hurts. Sweater next, soft cashmere that's light as he slips it over his head and adjusts it to fall just so. Then his jacket, heavy tweed that he bought in Dublin, a jacket for a tutor at Oxford, he traces the weave noting the threads of blue interspersed with the grey. He chose this one because it looked best with his eyes, Raven approved of the ever so slightly wider lapels, not as modern as he could be but a step forward.

This is reality, this is all real. He starts coughing, feeling every shudder through his body.
balancingminds: (painted mansion)
There was only fog, he gasped and put his feet down hard to find/create solid ground. As he put his feet down, they slipped as the grass was covered in mist and rocks, he needed to find out where he was. He didn't trust the idea of creating a light as that hadn't been working and he didn't seem to have enough control.

Instead he reached out his hands and walked forward until his hands bumped stone, broken stone. Something went by overhead, he heard the noise of a plane and immediately tucked himself down to the ground, an air raid? If it was a raid, there should be a siren, loud and wailing, he'd never heard one himself, but he felt he knew them due to many minds. Was this the ruin of his home, these stone walls all that was left of Xavier mansion?

He kept his hands out and tried to stay along the walls, which are true ruins and heard something fall to the ground. Someone might be hurt and he stands up, if this is what's left of his home then he'll protect it. He starts forward until something with too many arms comes towards him from the fog, he knows that shape, "No, no, you're not allowed here. This is my home!"

It doesn't stop and he runs into the fog, he will fight.

In his room, he wakes up reaching into the darkness and shivers before turning on the light, then getting up and turning on all the lights. The fog can't come into his room, it can't.
balancingminds: (mind hurt)
He hasn't been looking forward to sleep but he knows his body needs it. The rituals that he thought he was past have returned though they don't seem to do as much good. Every night, he sit in his bed and builds a wall around his mind, the stones of his childhood have returned but there is now water and metal mixed in with them. He will take what strength he can from Iris and Erik's inspiration to make himself feel safer. Along with the wall, he chants, "No dreams but my own, not dreams but my own."

Sleep doesn't come easily but he knows how to quiet his mind enough to rest.

He's in a library, not in Oxford, but another one that he doesn't know. Someone's researching and there's the whir of a cassette, he tries to follow the sound but the stacks twist and turn around him. The shadows keep lengthening and there's the glance of a face as he hears through the quiet a recorded voice saying, "He tells me to do things, awful things."

Charles shivers at the voice, its so young and he can almost feel the pain and confusion. The recording continues but he can't hear what's said just a buzzing that's wrong.

Finally he finds a door and opens it out onto a lecture theater and someone saying his name and that its time. All the voices and emotions in the theater press towards him with excitement, disbelief and he leans against the door frame.

He can't do this now, he's not ready, he needs more space in his head. More voices ask for him, telling him, poking him as the emotions grow stronger and he tries to shut them out, take control. His shields won't seem to hold, they keep shifting away instead of holding steady as they're meant to. He yells out to the crowd, "Be quiet! I can't find myself!"

The yelling wakes him up as he coughs and shivers, he's broken out in a sweat and he touches the droplets on his forehead. He turns on the light and looks at the water on his fingertips, the physical sensations of being scared and cold, this is real. He doesn't attempt to sleep for the rest of the night, but turns on all the lights and drinks some tea as he reads journals about genetics.
balancingminds: (don't want to think)
His mother and Nanny were looking down at him and he could feel their concern pressing with its weight of worry. What had he done? What had he said that he wasn’t supposed to? He didn’t know what to ask as he couldn’t hear their words just feel them wondering and discussing him. Then Erik was there, tsking at him saying, “You feel too much, Charles. Its bad for you.”

He closed his eyes and tried to sink into his bed to make it all stop or wake up. Instead he was walking down a long hallway, it felt cold and he realized that the walls had a shine to them, so he tried to call up a flashlight. Where a light should have been electricity shot from his hand, arcing over the walls and he backed away, this wasn’t right, this wasn’t him. He tried to calm down, regain control and find his own mind as the electricity grew stronger and he saw figures coming towards him, men in suits. One seemed thinner than the rest and then he ran and ran until the hall changed from metal and the electricity faded and he stood in the small bedroom from Erik’s dream.

He sat down on the bed and breathed in this place Erik had felt safe here, had wanted him here. The room was still too dark, but there was a light on the bureau and he focused on it and willed himself awake.

His bed was solid and he’d gotten tangled up in his sheets during the dream, so he turned on his bedside lamp with a shiver. Something seemed to move in the shadows and he took deep breaths, this was reality, he was safe.
balancingminds: (worry)
In the darkness he can't find his way, nothing is solid and there's someone else in the shadows. He calls up light for the dark but only manages a candle that flickers as he realizes that the windows are blacked out. Is there an air raid? But they're safe at home. He shouldn't be afraid, he's safe, isn't he? There's fog and he walks after it and remembers that the war is over, then he's the age he should be. Nightmares and dreams can be controlled and he knows how to face them, he does.

The candle turns into a bright flashlight as he walks forward to the French doors, and he pushes them open onto the back garden. There's a bright moon in the sky full of promise, and pinpricks of stars, though fog swirls around his feet and he feels someone watching him. This is his dream, he shouldn't feel afraid to go into the trees that he's known since he was a little boy. He strides towards them, moving his flashlight through the fog though the light doesn't go that far.

There's a draft in his room and he wakes to pull his blankets closer around him as the fire flickers. The light of his bedside lamp is bright in the room, dispersing and creating shadows. This is real. He's awake.


Sep. 15th, 2012 07:24 pm
balancingminds: (foolish teen)
He doesn't want to stop kissing Laney but Charles does manage to get the key in and pushes the door open, while trying to still kiss.

It almost works, the room is pretty simple and could be a guest room in his house with dark colors, book shelves and a comfortable bed, "I like cheating with you."


Aug. 24th, 2012 10:42 pm
balancingminds: (hand to focus)
Charles finds it hard to meditate at the Facility, part of this is due to how all the agents think. They remind him of students, but mainly its due to Erik.

That's why he's found a nice spot near the lake and is sitting on a rock and meditating. The inside of his head is quieter as he focuses on the here and now.

He has a thermos of tea and a packed lunch from Bar for when he's ready to take a break.
balancingminds: (with chess and a drink)
Charles hasn't been able to find a door but he did find a rather beat up chess set in one of the staff rooms. The board's set up with a problem that he came across in a paper and he's trying to play through it to distract himself from mainly Erik.

He is concerned about getting Cerebro to work properly and Iris but his thoughts keep coming back to Erik, and chess has always been a type of meditation for him. He can focus on the tactics and variations as chess pieces don't have feelings.
balancingminds: (working)
Charles has spent most of the day in the room at the top of the building or in the little office that was found for him, but now its time to find Hank.

His visit to Milliways provided some ideas and he wants to see what might be possible. He also needs to provide Hank with some of Erik's background and try to find a way to ease the tensions between them.

The first place he looks is Hank's lab, which is a beautiful space and he spots the newest volume of one of the journals he follows. His notes on Cerebro are set down as he sighs at the article, there's still much work to do.
balancingminds: (new york cup of tea)
Somehow after the discussion with Erik, Charles managed to sleep though his dreams were complicated and vivid as he thought of Erik's touch.

He woke early and went to make himself a strong cup of coffee in the kitchen, his hair wet from the shower and his shirt not fully buttoned.

The past few days have been so full, he wonders what's to come next.
balancingminds: (quiet consideration)
Since first meeting with Moira, the days have gone by quickly with little time to think or discuss what's happening.

He knows going with Moira to meet with the CIA is the right choice as they know of other mutants but there's not much time to plan or decide which worries him. His presentation's clear in his head, which makes it easy to know what to say but nothing about how it will be received.

Going back to America feels like the best choice and everything in the apartment will be sent on to Westchester, there are simply too many variables.

As they move from flat to airport to plane to car, he's constantly looking over to Raven and hoping they'll have some time to truly talk about what this means.
balancingminds: (not laughing)
As the rain kept falling, they stayed in Charles' hideaway in the library.

Finally though hunger and a touch of stiffness made it seem wise to move on and Charles led Iris to one of his favorite pubs that's close to the river.

It's a place frequented not by scholars of his discipline but my scholars of the mind where he can pick up on new topics without having to worry about having to talk too much about his own work.

They get rained on a little bit and he's laughing as he pulls her into the pub and to a cozy booth near the fire.
balancingminds: (quiet consideration)
Charles is feeling nervous, he knows that Raven seems to be fine with Iris, but he's still nervous.

Oxford is his home for now and he wants to show it to Iris, but he's not certain what she'll think of it or how she'll look.

He was pacing until Bar told him to stop or else she'd tell Sallie and he sat down to sip some tea and wait for Iris.
balancingminds: (confused)
He woke in confusion as he relaxed his shields and couldn't figure out all the minds and where they all were in Milliways.

When he felt Iris beside him, he took a breath and watched her sleep as he took stock and found his balance once more.
balancingminds: (oxford cup of tea)
Oxford is full of experts and around each expert are rivals, sycophants and entire communities and that’s not counting the created communities of Oxford. Charles knows his way around his section of Oxford and has a passing knowledge of other areas but Classics, that is rather more daunting. There are rivalries and politics that are renowned throughout the campus just from Classics itself but he is determined to know all he can of Iris and that means finding the right expert.

His telepathy only helps so much because while the small politics of interaction are easily heard, he needs to know how they fit within the complex hierarchies of the departments. It’s a challenge he enjoys and through it, he improves his grasp of Latin and Greek as many of the thoughts he encounters are of the difficult work of translation and interpretation.

In time and after drinking many glasses of tea in lounges and offices throughout campus, he finds the perfect don who wrote a famous monograph on the messengers of the Greek world from Iris to Hermes to the unnamed messengers of the tragedies. All Charles has to sacrifice to the don is part of a good bottle of Scotch and reciting a passage from Homer to prove that he does know what he’s talking about. The Homer required a slight bit of cheating as it had been many years since he’d had to recite Greek, but he enjoyed the power of the words.

ὣς ἔφατ᾽, ὦρτο δὲ Ἶρις ἀελλόπος ἀγγελέουσα,
μεσσηγὺς δὲ Σάμου τε καὶ Ἴμβρου παιπαλοέσσης
ἔνθορε μείλανι πόντῳ: ἐπεστονάχησε δὲ λίμνη.1

Most of what he learned was how the mythology had many ideas and couldn’t seem to agree on any of them. That was what he knew was true of most myths, that simply meant that he would learn best from Iris herself.

Along the way he learned of the don’s own history and his passion for the power of the proper messenger. He had been in the signal corps during the war and saw Hermes and Iris in Morse code and the Windtalkers of the Americans. Messages shifted over space and time yet the heart of them always remained true no matter how cryptology twisted and changed them and that made them powerful. The messengers of the gods and the same word was used for angels who were after all the messengers of god all held those truths, communication and words can reach any distance. It all resonated with Charles who knew that thoughts come in many shapes and are constantly changing but everyone has parts of their mind that are simply them.

When he returned to the flat, he had a notebook full of hints and sources to read along with a feeling of excitement. He can only prepare so much for Iris and he finds that uncertainty tantalizing.

1-So spake he, and storm-footed Iris hasted to bear his message, and midway between Samos and rugged Imbros she leapt into the dark sea, and the waters sounded loud above her.
The Iliad Book 24 line 77-79 Translated by A.T. Murray.

A night in

Apr. 17th, 2012 09:06 pm
balancingminds: (smirky)
"Raven!" Charles yelled as he entered the flat, just managing to close the door and not drop anything.

Tonight he was holding slightly more than usual as he'd just been gifted a bottle of wonderful booze and the only person he was going to drink it with was Raven.
balancingminds: (side glance)
Charles isn't quite certain of what to expect from his lesson with Alan as their last meeting was complicated.

Sallie and Tyler both had good senses of what they knew and what they were hoping to get while Alan seemed more fearful and uncertain along with armed and angry.

The note wasn't too specific about time, so he has a mug of tea and a one of his scientific journals to read.
balancingminds: (half face listening)
Charles arranged to meet Sallie at the counter as that way they can go someplace where she feels safe.

In preparation, he's made a quick list of his various psychic defenses and what they do and how he set them into place. They might not be helpful for her but they might provide a reference.

He truly hopes he can find a way to help as even with all these years with Raven, talking and experimenting with their mutations if he can be a teacher of something so personal. It feels like he can and he does know he's a good teacher, but this is still new.
balancingminds: (not laughing)
His door opened onto the street and when Charles tried his building door, he saw the lobby before him. He laughed and started humming as he went up to the flat, the song wasn't one he knew the words to but it had been stuck in someone's head in Milliways.

In his pocket, his notebook was full of hints to help him recall what happened as it all was somehow real.

Perhaps he needed to go talk to some of those physicists or read more science-fiction to know how best to consider what he might encounter the next time he found a door. Or he could simply trust his own instincts and see what happened.


balancingminds: (Default)
Charles Xavier

July 2017

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