balancingminds: (mind hurt)
He hasn't been looking forward to sleep but he knows his body needs it. The rituals that he thought he was past have returned though they don't seem to do as much good. Every night, he sit in his bed and builds a wall around his mind, the stones of his childhood have returned but there is now water and metal mixed in with them. He will take what strength he can from Iris and Erik's inspiration to make himself feel safer. Along with the wall, he chants, "No dreams but my own, not dreams but my own."

Sleep doesn't come easily but he knows how to quiet his mind enough to rest.

He's in a library, not in Oxford, but another one that he doesn't know. Someone's researching and there's the whir of a cassette, he tries to follow the sound but the stacks twist and turn around him. The shadows keep lengthening and there's the glance of a face as he hears through the quiet a recorded voice saying, "He tells me to do things, awful things."

Charles shivers at the voice, its so young and he can almost feel the pain and confusion. The recording continues but he can't hear what's said just a buzzing that's wrong.

Finally he finds a door and opens it out onto a lecture theater and someone saying his name and that its time. All the voices and emotions in the theater press towards him with excitement, disbelief and he leans against the door frame.

He can't do this now, he's not ready, he needs more space in his head. More voices ask for him, telling him, poking him as the emotions grow stronger and he tries to shut them out, take control. His shields won't seem to hold, they keep shifting away instead of holding steady as they're meant to. He yells out to the crowd, "Be quiet! I can't find myself!"


The yelling wakes him up as he coughs and shivers, he's broken out in a sweat and he touches the droplets on his forehead. He turns on the light and looks at the water on his fingertips, the physical sensations of being scared and cold, this is real. He doesn't attempt to sleep for the rest of the night, but turns on all the lights and drinks some tea as he reads journals about genetics.

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Charles Xavier

July 2017

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