balancingminds | (no subject)

Entry tags:

jason todd

(no subject)

Charles has never seen Jay this hurting before and it scares him as he thinks of Erik and his pains. While Jay recovers from his workout, he sets out the chess board, adjusting the pieces before sitting down in his chair and picking up The Once and Future King.

Reading it always helps him to feel a little more hopeful about the world and gets lost in War's world where the story is simpler.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Jay laughs softly, disbelievingly. "I doubt that."

Jay keeps his eyes on the board, determined to make a better show of it this time. He plays more technically but with none of his usual flair.

"I know you doubt it, but I'm telling you that its true,"

Charles this time plays more aggressively, using some gambits he's learned from Erik.

Jay shrugs and focuses on the game, trying not to think about his own unhappiness.

The aggressive moves surprise him but he runs with them, playing more defensively this time. It doesn't help him much. He's still losing.

Jay's low thoughts aren't what he was aiming for and Charles rubs a pawn between his fingers as he thinks,

"What's the last thing that made you truly happy?"

Jay considers his answer as he takes another of Charles' pieces. He closes his eyes a moment and opens his mind. Truly happy was sitting under the stars with Ali, the warm sand against their skin as they looked up at the sky. The problem is the sister to that memory - Ali's beautiful eyes empty and cold as he bled out in Jay's arms. He fights to separate the two but can't. Not as low as he is right now.

"I'm sorry." He scrubs at his eyes angrily.

"Don't apologize for how you feel, it matters, you matter,"

Somehow he will get that through to him.

"There are times I could do with feeling a great deal less." But even that's a lie. The numbness is worse. Being with Eric, the danger in that is some times the only way to make himself feel.

"I know but its better to feel then hide everything away."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure. Letting someone see my feelings is what got me into this mess." And he hates himself for that.

"But you can't live a numb life, that would destroy you in another way. Start small, talk to me and we'll find a way to get you to a better place. I believe in you, Jay,"

It might not be enough but its what he can offer.

Jay reaches out again and squeezes Charles' hand with a sigh. "Thanks. I'll... I'll try. I just... I don't know. I feel like I should head back. Maybe it's time to stop hiding here."

"You don't have to know, life doesn't work that way. You do what you can and you live. I'll always be here to help, Jay. And I know you can find a future for yourself,"

He squeezes Jay's hand and then moves to pour them both more wine.

He takes the sip of the wine, leaning back in his chair. "If I go back, I feel like I'm running from my problems here. If I stay, I feel like I'm hiding from my life there." He shakes his head. "Ichabod suggested I should find a city I like and settle, maybe set up a workshop or something." The thought is lovely but he's afraid his past would catch up with him anywhere he stopped.

"You're a man of action, Jay. That's why its complicated, but Milliways will find you. You're too much in your head, you need to get moving in some way again,"

It would be simpler if he knew the best solution but all he can do is listen and talk.

"Once a solider..." Jay trails off, shaking his head. "I need to get back into shape before I make plans anywhere."

"What does that mean for you? And that will be good, get you moving and thinking."

Jay sighs. "It means as much as I love the idea of settling down and doing nothing but building bikes, I couldn't. There will be things I couldn't ignore. Some small injustice or something and I'd end up getting myself noticed. Wouldn't be long before I'd have to move on again."

"Yeah, it'll help. I feel... clearer when I'm moving."

"Then you should move if it helps you, but I don't know how to fix everything in your world. I think that you do need to do more, you and Erik are that way. Motion helps you make sense of the world."

"How does he work it off?"

"For a while, he hunted Nazis in revenge for what they did to him and his family. Also his ability is far more physical than mine,"

He rests his hand against his head and shares a glimpse of Erik using his powers, from the submarine to the club with Angel.

"Wow..." Jay trails off, watching Erik's face distort with inner rage as he throws the heavy chains across the sub. "He's... I can see what you see in him." He can see how similar they are in many ways.

"Yes, he just needs a little more control than he'll be even more amazing. We bring out parts of each other,"

Raven does this too but its different with Erik, Erik fits.

"He uses his rage like a weapon. I know that feeling. It was the way I was taught. To turn it into control."

"And I tend to avoid my rage, its not something I want to be projecting into the world. That would end badly."

"You could burn someone's mind from the inside out." Jay muses. "But I hope you have your own safe ways to deal with it."