balancingminds | (no subject)

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jason todd

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Charles has never seen Jay this hurting before and it scares him as he thinks of Erik and his pains. While Jay recovers from his workout, he sets out the chess board, adjusting the pieces before sitting down in his chair and picking up The Once and Future King.

Reading it always helps him to feel a little more hopeful about the world and gets lost in War's world where the story is simpler.

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"I can't make her understanding." God, he can barely stand to admit it to himself, how broken and needy he is inside. It's a sign of incredible trust that he can share it with Charles.

"Do you need her to understand?"

He doesn't know what Rae might do and he wants what's best for Jay.

"Not really. I don't...." He really doesn't feel comfortable enough with his own loneliness and after how badly her words hurt him, he doesn't feel safe showing her that vulnerability ever again. Something he trusts only Charles with right now.

"I don't want her to keep thinking I'm just a junkie. I valued our friendship but it won't survive the way things are at the moment."

"I wish I could make her understand that I know what I'm doing. And that I'm not mindlessly suicidal." Jay has every confidence he's safe in his arrangement with Eric. He isn't worried that Eric would take things past the boundaries they've agreed on. Something Rae will never trust and she made that bloody clear to him.

"I think you need to think about what you want from your friendship with her. If she doesn't trust you then it will be hard to move forward. She might not understand how much you were hurt by her words,"

There's not going to be an easy solution.

"I don't know. I really don't." Jay sighs and picks up the glass again, his hand shaking just a little. He feels so fucking raw right now. Like someone has raked sharp claws across his mind. Charles' presence is soothingly welcome but Jay's not sure how much he can risk opening himself up to anyone else right now.

Charles reaches out to hold Jay's hand,

"Jay, you're with me, just be."

A tear he would be ashamed to admit to rolls down his cheek as he sets the glass down, reaching for Charles. He anchors himself in the hug, wrapping himself in the friendship and trust he has in Charles.

It takes him a long moment to come back to himself, forcing a small smile. Thank you feels like hollow words that don't express the feeling strongly enough but he trusts that Charles can sense it anyway.

His glass is set down and he hugs him tightly and as long as he needs it.

Jay's hurting so much and he hopes he can do enough to help him.

Jay sniffed lightly and nods his profound thanks. "Shall we play?" He needs something to focus on, something normal to do to give his heart and mind time to process all of this.

"Yes, let's,"

Slowly he releases Jay and moves to get some food and offer the board to him.

Jay ignores the food for now, taking his seat at the board. He plays slowly, thoughtfully, his usually brashness dampened down as he regards the game. His mind is a quiet whirl, trying to find equilibrium out of their discussion.

Charles doesn't talk focusing on the game until Jay needs him. Balance is important but its never simple to find as the world is constantly changing.

Jay chuckles as Charles took his rook. "You're still far better at this than me. How Erik with chess?" He likes hearing about Charles and Erik. Their affection was a warm light to him, even if he envied it greatly.

"Good, he challenges me, but then that's who he is,"

That's part of why he's drawn to Erik, he draws more out of him.

"No wonder you're so good." Jay makes a quick and bold move, a little more like his old self. "Playing against him has to be giving your game an edge."

Does he challenge you other ways? I don't mean to pry, I'm just curious.

Charles smiles as he thinks of all the ways that he and Erik push and pull,

"Oh yes, nothing is simple or easy with him, but we fit."

The smile warms him. It's good to see Charles happy, he deserves it. "I really hope I get to meet him one day. Even if I have a feeling we'd grate on each other."

"I can imagine there would be sparks, you're rather alike in that you push back against the world. I do but at a different level than you do."

"People like me, and Erik by the sound of it, we push because it's the only way to make a space for ourselves. The world has to be forced to accommodate us or there's no place for us."

He makes the next move slowly, thinking ahead for once. "You push to make a better place for other people."

"And myself, I'm not that completely selfless. I do push but differently, more from inside than outside, at least as much as I can,"

Its a good move and Charles frowns as he considers before doing a more daring choice for him.

"Oh course. There has to be room for you to stand too. Otherwise how can you stand up for the one who can't push for themselves." Jay smiles, going on the offensive across the board.

"Yes, exactly,"

He smiles as he likes seeing Jay get more into the game and counters with his own offensive, pushing Jay into a dangerous spot.

Edited 2014-05-29 04:37 (UTC)

Jay growls, never one to be backed into a corner without a fight. He goes on the attack, aim a charge at Charles' queen.

The growl is unexpected and Charles raises an eyebrow before using Jay's attack to put him into check.

It's a playful growl but a determined one. His reckless moves have screwed his defence but he drives the attack forward, managing to check Charles back but not in a position he can protect his flank. "Yeah, I'm toast."