(no subject)

[balancingminds]

Charles has never seen Jay this hurting before and it scares him as he thinks of Erik and his pains. While Jay recovers from his workout, he sets out the chess board, adjusting the pieces before sitting down in his chair and picking up The Once and Future King.

Reading it always helps him to feel a little more hopeful about the world and gets lost in War's world where the story is simpler.

Comments

[runningred]

It's a playful growl but a determined one. His reckless moves have screwed his defence but he drives the attack forward, managing to check Charles back but not in a position he can protect his flank. "Yeah, I'm toast."

[balancingminds]

Its still unexpected and Charles puts him into checkmate in three moves,

"You played well and seem to be doing better."

[runningred]

"You're still kicking my ass." Jay leans back in his chair, reaching for a pasties.

"I feel better. Thank you. I still... I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but, I don't know. I don't feel quite so raw."

[balancingminds]

"You don't have to do anything just yet. We'll have another game and I think whatever you do, you need to be honest with her. She might not hear you, but you have to make clear that what you're going through isn't the same as her experience. And that its hurting you how she's approached this. It will be painful but I don't know if there's a good solution."

[runningred]

He frowns and reaches out for Charles' hand. steadying himself. "I'll try. But... not yet. I don't think I could... manage anything without making it worse right now."

[balancingminds]

"No, not yet, but at some point. That wasn't an order, Jay. I was thinking of what might work,"

He takes Jay's hand and squeezes it.

[runningred]

"It's sound advice and I can't trust my own judgement right now." He closes his eyes and tangles his fingers against Charles; wishing, not for the first time, Charles was free to love.

[balancingminds]

Its a thought he hates to hear, because he wants to help Jay but he's not free. So he holds his hand with a sigh.

[runningred]

"Sorry. I should have screened that." Jay squeezes his hand and lets go, resetting the board. "It's my thought to bear."

[balancingminds]

"I don't want you to have to bear anything but can't change where I'm at."

[runningred]

"Nor would I want you to." Jay doesn't quite meet his eye. "You and Erik are happy and I'm glad for that. Gladder than you know. I wouldn't do anything to disrupt that, it's not who I am. But under different circumstances I would love you." It's the truth, honest and sad.

[balancingminds]

He looks down at his drink,

"Thank you and I want you to find someone that you care for, you deserve happiness, Jay."

[runningred]

"Thank you. Maybe one day." He doesn't believe it, not really.

He plays again, making sure to actually eat some of the food he bought. This time he's more careful, ruthless but considered.

[balancingminds]

"Yes, one day. You're a catch, Jay,"

Its a closer game and Charles focuses more, smiling as he plays.

[runningred]

Jay laughs softly, disbelievingly. "I doubt that."

Jay keeps his eyes on the board, determined to make a better show of it this time. He plays more technically but with none of his usual flair.

[balancingminds]

"I know you doubt it, but I'm telling you that its true,"

Charles this time plays more aggressively, using some gambits he's learned from Erik.

[runningred]

Jay shrugs and focuses on the game, trying not to think about his own unhappiness.

The aggressive moves surprise him but he runs with them, playing more defensively this time. It doesn't help him much. He's still losing.

[balancingminds]

Jay's low thoughts aren't what he was aiming for and Charles rubs a pawn between his fingers as he thinks,

"What's the last thing that made you truly happy?"

[runningred]

Jay considers his answer as he takes another of Charles' pieces. He closes his eyes a moment and opens his mind. Truly happy was sitting under the stars with Ali, the warm sand against their skin as they looked up at the sky. The problem is the sister to that memory - Ali's beautiful eyes empty and cold as he bled out in Jay's arms. He fights to separate the two but can't. Not as low as he is right now.

"I'm sorry." He scrubs at his eyes angrily.

[balancingminds]

"Don't apologize for how you feel, it matters, you matter,"

Somehow he will get that through to him.

[runningred]

"There are times I could do with feeling a great deal less." But even that's a lie. The numbness is worse. Being with Eric, the danger in that is some times the only way to make himself feel.

[balancingminds]

"I know but its better to feel then hide everything away."

[runningred]

"Yeah, I'm not so sure. Letting someone see my feelings is what got me into this mess." And he hates himself for that.

[balancingminds]

"But you can't live a numb life, that would destroy you in another way. Start small, talk to me and we'll find a way to get you to a better place. I believe in you, Jay,"

It might not be enough but its what he can offer.

[runningred]

Jay reaches out again and squeezes Charles' hand with a sigh. "Thanks. I'll... I'll try. I just... I don't know. I feel like I should head back. Maybe it's time to stop hiding here."