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[balancingminds]

Charles has never seen Jay this hurting before and it scares him as he thinks of Erik and his pains. While Jay recovers from his workout, he sets out the chess board, adjusting the pieces before sitting down in his chair and picking up The Once and Future King.

Reading it always helps him to feel a little more hopeful about the world and gets lost in War's world where the story is simpler.

Comments

[balancingminds]

When he knocks, Charles puts his bookmark in and stands up to help Jay get the food onto the other table in his,

"This looks wonderful."

[runningred]

"Figured it was finger food we could eat while we play." He uncorks and pours the wine, pacing a little as he sips it. His mind is still so very stormy but he's making an effort to keep his thoughts quiet.

[balancingminds]

"Talk to me, Jay, get your thoughts out of your head. You don't have to hide them from me but I'd prefer to hear them from you,"

He pours himself a glass of wine and drinks while he watches Jay.

[runningred]

"Do you know Rae Sherridon? Sunshine? She and I... we were- are, have been," he stumbles, trying to find the words, "friends."

"She... she comes from a world where vampires are the enemy. When she found out about me and Eric she... freaked." Hurtfully. "She found some pretty raw nerves." He's trying to sound detached and calm but it hurt him. Deeply. Rocking his trust in her and worse, damaging his sense of self.

[balancingminds]

"We spoke once, my ability frightened her and we haven't talked since then. Yes, I had a glimpse of some of what she's gone through. What did she say?"

There are a lot of hurtful ways a situation like that could do and Charles doesn't want to presume.

[runningred]

"She... pressured the point that I'm nothing but groceries, a pet cow to Eric. I'm aware that he doesn't feel things the same way but..." He takes a deep breath. "That shouldn't detract from the fact I enjoy his company."

He puts the glass down, aware of the fragility of it in his hand. "She implied I was nothing but a junkie being strung along." And that cut deeper still. After watching his junkie mother waste away and eventually OD, she can't have know how badly that would hurt.

[balancingminds]

Charles sighs as he thinks, he doesn't know Eric that well but he knows stories about vampires. Rae is from a world with vampires but Eric might not be like them,

"That was harsh of her to say and while some of it might be true, your feelings matter. Do you feel like you're addicted to being fed from? I don't know enough about the mechanics to understand if that's a concern."

[runningred]

"No." It's an easy answer. "Blood isn't the issue. It might be what Eric gets out of the arrangement but it isn't that big a deal for me."

Jay closes his eyes and lets the thought flow, letting Charles see what it is Jay's struggling with. It's not blood but intimacy - the pleasure of sex, the thrill of being with someone powerful, of someone being hungry for him; be it blood or contact.

Jay's painfully and starkly aware that Eric has no need for love or feelings but it doesn't change what Jay feels. And that is a deep and profound sense of loneliness. A void Eric's company in part slaves.

[balancingminds]

"Oh Jay, no, that's not what Rae thinks it is. I can see how it might not be easy to explain to her. From what I've seen, she's someone who becomes easily intimate with people and probably doesn't understand what you're getting from this. So she's putting it into language that fits for her,"

He understands Jay's need as its something Charles looks for too and feels lucky to have with Erik. Someone who wants him for all of him.

[runningred]

"I can't make her understanding." God, he can barely stand to admit it to himself, how broken and needy he is inside. It's a sign of incredible trust that he can share it with Charles.

[balancingminds]

"Do you need her to understand?"

He doesn't know what Rae might do and he wants what's best for Jay.

[runningred]

"Not really. I don't...." He really doesn't feel comfortable enough with his own loneliness and after how badly her words hurt him, he doesn't feel safe showing her that vulnerability ever again. Something he trusts only Charles with right now.

"I don't want her to keep thinking I'm just a junkie. I valued our friendship but it won't survive the way things are at the moment."

"I wish I could make her understand that I know what I'm doing. And that I'm not mindlessly suicidal." Jay has every confidence he's safe in his arrangement with Eric. He isn't worried that Eric would take things past the boundaries they've agreed on. Something Rae will never trust and she made that bloody clear to him.

[balancingminds]

"I think you need to think about what you want from your friendship with her. If she doesn't trust you then it will be hard to move forward. She might not understand how much you were hurt by her words,"

There's not going to be an easy solution.

[runningred]

"I don't know. I really don't." Jay sighs and picks up the glass again, his hand shaking just a little. He feels so fucking raw right now. Like someone has raked sharp claws across his mind. Charles' presence is soothingly welcome but Jay's not sure how much he can risk opening himself up to anyone else right now.

[balancingminds]

Charles reaches out to hold Jay's hand,

"Jay, you're with me, just be."

[runningred]

A tear he would be ashamed to admit to rolls down his cheek as he sets the glass down, reaching for Charles. He anchors himself in the hug, wrapping himself in the friendship and trust he has in Charles.

It takes him a long moment to come back to himself, forcing a small smile. Thank you feels like hollow words that don't express the feeling strongly enough but he trusts that Charles can sense it anyway.

[balancingminds]

His glass is set down and he hugs him tightly and as long as he needs it.

Jay's hurting so much and he hopes he can do enough to help him.

[runningred]

Jay sniffed lightly and nods his profound thanks. "Shall we play?" He needs something to focus on, something normal to do to give his heart and mind time to process all of this.

[balancingminds]

"Yes, let's,"

Slowly he releases Jay and moves to get some food and offer the board to him.

[runningred]

Jay ignores the food for now, taking his seat at the board. He plays slowly, thoughtfully, his usually brashness dampened down as he regards the game. His mind is a quiet whirl, trying to find equilibrium out of their discussion.

[balancingminds]

Charles doesn't talk focusing on the game until Jay needs him. Balance is important but its never simple to find as the world is constantly changing.

[runningred]

Jay chuckles as Charles took his rook. "You're still far better at this than me. How Erik with chess?" He likes hearing about Charles and Erik. Their affection was a warm light to him, even if he envied it greatly.

[balancingminds]

"Good, he challenges me, but then that's who he is,"

That's part of why he's drawn to Erik, he draws more out of him.

[runningred]

"No wonder you're so good." Jay makes a quick and bold move, a little more like his old self. "Playing against him has to be giving your game an edge."

Does he challenge you other ways? I don't mean to pry, I'm just curious.

[balancingminds]

Charles smiles as he thinks of all the ways that he and Erik push and pull,

"Oh yes, nothing is simple or easy with him, but we fit."